1 in 5 Couples in Canada Battle with Infertility
This is my 365-day blog project as I conquer a 4 year battle with infertility, start my family, and achieve my dreams.
The countdown clock may have ticked away its last minute, but this update is yet another testament that things happen for a reason, in their way, in their own time.
You guessed it – I am FINALLY expecting!
Since our failed IVF last summer (2010) and the many difficult years prior to that, of probing and prodding, tests and diagnoses, we had decided in was in our best interest to STOP. So we did. We stopped all of it: the visits to the clinic, the acupuncture, the herbal treatments, needles, checking in with doctors in general. We were out thousands of dollars, devastated and desolate. We had reached our breaking point and had had enough.
(As you may have read/followed,) this led us to a crossroads, compelling my husband and I to truly step back and look at our lives: where we had come from; what we had been thru; how much had changed for the better, and for the worst; the challenges we had endured, specifically with starting a family; the tribulations we had put our bodies thru, our spirit thru, our relationships thru, our marriage thru…We sat there on the porch reflecting, on that momentous, sunny, warm July evening, and decided that it was time to make a big change, to take the other fork in the road. We had no idea just how big and important and life altering this change would be. We only knew it felt right.
Literally from the minute we got the keys to our new home, in our new town, ready to start our new life, we became just that, new. Renewed. As though, after 8 years of marriage and 5 years of trying to conceive, that we ourselves had inhaled for the first time, found that breath that had been lodged in our chests. We had our second chance for the life we always imagined to be ours. Nothing from the past mattered any longer, only the bright future ahead. For the first time, we were finally home, sweet, home, and there to stay.
Miracles happen everyday. Dreams do come true. We may have stopped ”trying,” but I always believed in my heart we would be parents… someday…
Forever with Peace, Love, &; Gratitude, JKF
We are no closer to having children of our own, but we are closer and stronger than ever. Somehow, we just know everything will be okay.
...maybe you will join me again, on a new journey, as we move to our new home, start a new life and continue to pursue our other, more attainable dreams...
I guess the most important thing to have learned thru all of this is that things did not end how we hoped, or quite how we planned. But sometimes the "end" is all you need, to move forward to be happy, and in this case we are just relieved to be closing the book on our fertility struggles. I don't know if we will try ART again. Nor do I know if adoption will be the best option for us. I don't actually know anything for sure really, except that we made it out the other end of a very difficult period of our lives - we made it out okay and able to talk about it...and isn't that really what matters most? Being okay and being able to move on?
I hope you find what you have been looking for. Baby or otherwise...
Keep dreaming big and you can only fall on stars...
With my most sincere gratitude,
JKF
I will miss you guys, where ever you are, reading these ramblings, and I will miss writing them for you. I will never be able to thank you for sticking alongside me down this trying and vulnerable road...
But it is not quite time to say goodbye, so back to reflecting on this complex, life changing year gone by.
Done. Yet there is still so much to say, to do, so much which still needs work, so many areas for improvement. And now, in relation to plenty more layers than just having a baby.
It is crazy to me that the time has come for which I have been thinking about, preparing for, working towards, for so long – I am the “future me” I have been envisioning (give or take a little). My St. Christopher's family in particular may remember me for my "Stop. Feel the moment" motto, the hippie-like mojo that I live by...but this is it, the moment I have been waiting for. What is so great about that is arriving at the moment usually leads to many more awesome ones to come, a bright new chapter ahead.
The rewarding feeling of completing something, of actually setting a goal and attaining it, (thank you RTW for helping me with this,) is settling in, and the feeling of failure is at last, gone; those unwelcome negative thoughts have dripped away and have been replaced with self-respect, pride, appreciation, accomplishment. Albeit, the end result turned out not be exactly how it was first promised or imagined, it has however surprisingly turned out just as it was meant to I believe, with a positive upswing momentum and electrifying energy.
Energy. Time. Such a magical things, aren't they?
Life is short. The days fold into weeks in what feels like the blink of an eye, then the weeks blur into months, years slip by like a flash of delicious sleep. Everything seems so long ago, but just like yesterday too. I guess that is why we say "one day at a time," - when we savour every minute, the sweet and the sour, filling every waking day with as much as possible, our lives are enhanced, time twists into an illusion, and if feels like there is nothing but more time, a wonderful future ahead.
This journey full of baby steps helped filled this year to the brim. With every step we get stronger, we step further, get braver. Eventually they lead to those monkey steps we talked about. I can't wait to take more monkey steps, right into our new town, new lifestyle and new perspective.
Hmm... Boy, we have talked about a lot, haven't we? Well I have anyway and hopefully it got you talking too. It seems odd now to think of the visits to the clinic every morning, the syringes, the drama, the heartache. Again that funny time thing - all those trying days seem like a hundred years ago.
Yet, I am quickly reminded of the indescribable pain and loss that was felt at the news of our failed IVF. The tightness returns quickly, even now, to my chest and the tickle in my nose signals the onset of tears. But I say, no, not this time. There have been enough tears. The reality of the enormous impact these last few years (of trying to conceive) have had on us, the absurdity of what we went thru and of what our bodies, my especially, have been thru sets in deeply as I am typing. So deep in fact that I can see the grass turning green, if you catch my drift. There are flowers blooming where there were ashes and I am happy to say and to see it will be really over soon.
I am still not a mother or a paid writer, but I have learnt a lot of things. For example, that it is excruciatingly difficult "not to think about/stress about/etc.," something that you are blogging about. It is next to impossible. So maybe my goal to be pregnant by the end of this was, as it turns out, a joke on me - whether I faced it head on everyday or not, whether I admitted it out loud or denied to myself, even when I am not thinking about conceiving a child, starting a family, having a baby, being a mother, I am. I am thinking of this project all the time.
I have learnt a lot of things, some new, some old, some like don't make promises you can't keep. But also, that things change, people change, our needs change and sometimes promises, goals, dreams, paths, relationships need to be adjusted to make things work. No, I didn't write everyday, nor every week at times, and yes there are a ton of unfinished drafts, but at least my marriage is still intact. I mean that as light humour, but in truth, I was worried there for a while, that maybe this (years of trying and obsessive behaviour) would finally be the straw that would break us. So not so funny after all. Even the author of Julie & Julia's (the movie which inpsired this challenge in the first place)marriage ended shortly following the end of her yearlong blog project. When we pour our heart and soul into things, sometimes we lose sight of other priorities and they can be changed forever...
I have learnt not to be so hard on myself, and to never give up. I still believe we are meant to be parents and that quite possibly there is a stork looking for us in our new town. Who knows? Maybe our baby will find us there... We are leaving our hearts open just in case. In the mean time, I am not sure what comes next, but I am excited none the less.
I hope to go back and post the drafts that have been sitting there waiting. I plan to continue to grow as a person and a writer. I look forward to more date nights with my wonderful husband, to more carefree weekend getaways and romantic walks on the beach. Yes, we have so much love to give to a child of our own, but for now, we will concentrate on giving it to each other. Together we will find more ways to give back to the children that are already here on the planet and very much need some extra love, thru organizations like the Teen Challenge, World Vision, and Spread the Net. I will continue to stand behind the OHIP for IVF Coalition. I will appreciate everyday, my body, as a woman and as someone lucky to be alive, healthy and living a great life.
I guess, what I am trying to say, is I will keep moving forward, following my heart, taking baby steps, stronger, closer to my dreams, one day at a time...
I hope you will too.
Peace A Love Y Gratitude J JKF
“Crisis Mode” now seems may have been a little over dramatic, slightly unnecessary even. But when it rains, it pours as they say, and I believe it often gets worse before it gets better. The horror of the real crisis happening in Japan lingered in the air, possiblly making my emotions more delicate than usual. But we all have our own unusually bad days now and then. That day was pretty dark, but the next was better...ish.
A few hours after publishing the "crisis" post, we had a visit from a pair of enthusiastic, warm, real estate agents, with whom we ended up listing our home! By the time they left, Spaghetti and I were already in an improved space; relieved at finally having made some important decisions; excited at the prospects, and that this process will soon be over; and definitely relieved that the onus was no longer entirely on our shoulders.
The weight was lifting and I didn’t sleep alone.
By Tuesday, there was more good news when I returned for a follow-up with my eye doctor (for yet another ongoing issue I failed to mention in my last rant -turns out I have an eye disease, Thygeson Keratitis.) The disease which had previously left me with inflamed corneas, problems with my vision and legions on my eyeballs had cleared up! Fortunately, the disease will not cause me to lose my sight all together – THANK YOU GOD, but will be something I will continuously have to deal with(...until the time comes when I can hopefully have laser eye surgery to correct all my vision problems once and for all...) but for now, it was gone. Halleluiah!
The dreaded garage ordeal also found a much needed temporary fix – enough of a fix that we could roll ahead with the house showings and not delay things any longer. The costs we feared turned out to be a third of what we initially expected. And, we were already seeing a lot of interest in our home!
Things were looking up. And again, I did not sleep alone.
Yesterday, Wednesday, felt like three days in one. My pregnant friend announced she was having a boy, and I didn’t even flinch! In fact, I cheered! This was huge – as excited as I was for her, I was even more excited for me that my own excitement was real! Does that make sense? No jealousy, no resentment, no smile mask! Just pure joy that she would finally bear the child she too has longed for for years. Hooray!! At last, another happy ending!!
We had over eight showings throughout the day, preventing us from going home until late in the evening. Exhausted when we finally arrived home, it felt strange inside – it smelt different somehow and the overall energy seemed odd, while the poor dog waited spatiently, starving & dying for a pee. Upon further observation, I discovered that things had been tampered with, confidential effects had been touched, (violated?) that should have clearly been off limits to these strangers visiting our home. Hours later, a report was filed, and after second and third sweeps were made to ensure nothing else could or would be compromised. Positives? Well, that we were back on the same team. We crawled into bed, together, at midnight and hoped for a few hours of rest while reflecting on how things could have been worse and agreeing not to dwell on this bump in the road, but to move past it stronger from its lesson. Today, with our glasses refilled (and not half empty) we could see it had been a blessing in disguise.
And budda bing, budda boom, it is the end of the month. The long cold winter has ended, with April showers and spring flowers just hours away. The fighting has stopped.
The crisis is over.
Remember, baby steps.
PLG ~ JKF
Boy, where do I begin? It has been a while, hasn't it?
The past several weeks, er, month and a bit, have been especially trying. As I have said before, the eternal optimist in me resists posting on the days where I feel I have only a half empty glass left. Hence why so much time has passed once again without so much as a hello. I have a ton of drafts collected, but not enough juice left to edit them or cheer them up...so I leave them, wait it out and hope the next day will be a brighter one when I will try again.
Sadly, that has not been the case. As I have become more public with this blog, and now knowing that all of you out there reading are no longer made up of only strangers, my protective walls have gone back up. My dark secrets of marital turmoil and financial woes, these gloomy days and desperate times have kept me hiding from my laptop, social networks, everything in fact. The smiley face I put on in the outside world no longer serves as a mask but as a transparent giveaway that I am not being real, that maybe positive thinking isn't enough and that not all dreams come true. Maybe not everything happens for a reason and life is just cruel and unfair for no reason at all.
We have come this far together and with only 3 weeks left, it's not just to you or to I to leave anyone hanging any longer. The writer inside me earns to release, even if though it's surely not what you want to hear, but here goes it:
Things are pretty sucky.
Let me rewind:
First, after posting the "Dream Big" post and found that not many signed the petition, I was forced to face another sad reality that maybe my destiny isn't about to unfold the way I have planned for. Maybe I was just being ridiculous. I was embarrassed at being so bold to try to get onto the Oprah show or her network, without any legitimate reason for getting there...I mean, who doesn't babble on on a blog or "online journal" these days anyway? What makes me so special? ...nothing I discovered quickly, finding only 3 signatures made it to my petition. I humbly grasped as well that it asked for full names. Many of you are anonymously battling your own fertility fight - why on earth would you want to go public. So I am sorry to have asked in the first place. It seems so egotistical now and I clearly went about that dream the wrong way. As a bonus, I heard today that apparently the Oprah Winfrey Network may be coming to an early, unexpected end since the ratings are not quite what they need to be to continue. And her show ends this May. So, that's that. I suppose it might be time to let it go of yet another, lifelong dream.
In the weeks that followed, the new pressure of writing for people that I see regularly, people that I know kicked in, and I felt like I had to "keep it up," literally. With every drafted post, I would get lost. Lost in my own self-editting, lost in the fight of positive vs. negative, good vs. bad, worth your time vs. waste of time. My heart was doing somersaults and my mind running in circles. What to say, what not to say, what will be judged? What do I really want people knowing, lots of people knowing, that I actually see regularly? Where do you draw the line? How much is too much? My brave face somehow lost its luster, the protectiveness of my smile suddenly felt fake and not protective or healing whatsoever. "They will all know...everything," I thought, so better not say anything at all.
In the midst of all of this, the timeline to sell our current home has started to close in on us. As I have mentioned previously, moving in general is one of life's most stressful things, and the added stress of knowing that we have already purchased another home hangs heavily over our heads. OMG, what have we done? We have been trying to sell privately, but know now that we are not realtors for a reason and things haven't been going too well... Which brings us to the strained decision to list -with whom, when and for how much is just more rocks in the bucket. The bucket is getting too heavy for my shoulders and I just want to let go.
So we took a vacation. One desperately needed. I had been insisting, harping on one since November. I didn't mean to be a spoiled brat, but between the house selling x 2, the broken relationships, all the medical stuff, the "lost summer 2010" (as I am referring to it, pre- & post-IVF), plus the constant arguing and marital dilemmas, I truly believed we would not, could not make it to the next step without taking a time out. Thank God and the heavens, we did, take a time out. Soaked up the sun and the vitamin D. I got to dance and swim and snorkel (well, sort of snorkel - I put the mask on and tried...only lasted a minute or two, but still!! BIG for me...). A young group of gorgeous girls thought I was only 22, and the Spaghets was only 25! We laughed and cheered on with them, claiming we must look so young "since we don't have kids!" Ha ha ha. Yes, we giggled, that must be it! If they only knew.
Meanwhile I quietly hoped all along that we would miracoulously conceive in Paradise, like so many people have said we might; "oh, I know this couple that tried for years, and then they went on holiday, and voila!" Try Jamaica. Ya, not so much. A little surf and sand was not what we have been missing. But now I can honestly say now that we have tried EVERYTHING. Fortunately, I did not have to suffer thru yet another two week wait, as I was oh-so-pleasantly surprised with my period one week early on our last day! Tampons, in case you are wondering, are very expensive in Cuba. Don't leave home without them.
Unfortunately, the reconnect we found somewhere under the hot Cuban sun and sultery salsa nights quickly dissipated when we headed to the airport. I got sick and the bickering hasn't stopped since. And is only getting worse.
A dear friend of mine's marriage came to an end recently, (well, trial separation,) and the stress that her happily-ever-after may not work out after all has forced me to ask myself some really difficult questions as well. What makes us so special? If they can't make it work, why should I believe our love is all conqueiring?
As the fighting continues and I sleep alone, I can't help but look up to God for answers. I guess that's the difference between believing only in the Universe, or in a God as well. For me, even when I am angry with God, he is still there to pray to, to lean on, to trust in when things seem disheartened. I ask him, how much longer to we have to wait for our miracle? How much longer can we bear these issues? Does love really conquer all? Or sometimes, is love just not enough? ...Are we going to make it? Or could this be the reason why we haven't conceived a child yet? Could it be that God and the Universe have a different destiny in mind for me?
Today, when I thought things were going to be okay - back at work, rejuvenated and tanned, we would would figure things out for at least the house, and once we did, the fighting would stop! But then I did the unthinkable. Maybe my most stupid moment ever - I backed out of the garage and smashed into our door, creating not only a massive hole but incurring a new set of costs we cannot afford right now, not to mention a nice delay for listing our home. We can't possibly sell our home for the value it deserves with a garage door that won't close and a gaping in the bottom. Way to go Jo. Good job. Nice one. You suck.
So here I am in crises mode. Able to stop crying and panicking only long enough to get thru the day at work. I am forever grateful for a work place that is so full of love and understanding and warmth. But the minute I am in the car, the tears come back and the nervous nauseous feeling in my stomach I have grown so accustomed to is there, in full effect. And when I hit crisis mode, I just need to write, good, bad, judgements and all. I need to clear my head of these depressing thoughts and hopefully make room to heal again. For whatever reason, it has become more therapeutic here than on paper, even though I feel like nothing is working the way it was supposed to. It's not even about letting you all down anymore, but letting down myself. I am turning into a failure - as a writer, as a wife, as a friend - no wonder I may never be the mother I want to be. This project has become a gloomy place full of broken dreams, and I don't know where to go from here. I wanted to go out with a bang, leaving you inspired and ready to follow me on my next journey...but it now feels like the bang was a shot I fired in my own foot.
Wounded and sad, afraid and confused, I can't positive think my way out of this one, not today at least. But maybe this was another little baby step in the right direction? Or maybe I should have quit while I was ahead? Come on God, Universe, throw me a bone! How much more can I take, really?
Seeking Peace...until tomorrow...
JKF
